The Why

THE WHY...

If you have read My Curriculum Vitae, then you may have an idea of where I have come from, but this blog and subsequent podcast are more about what has inspired me throughout my life, finding what inspires me today and in the future. It is also about coming to terms with grief, survivor's guilt, post-traumatic stress, and with what life throws at me in the future.

Of course, there is a backstory to how I got where I am today. It isn't the story of what fairy tales are made of. It isn't the story of rags to riches. There are parts of the story that can be considered sad or heartbreaking depending on who you are. There are parts of the story that make the greatest fodder for a Lifetime movie. To me, it is just my story.

First, why a blog? I had a blog following my divorce, “Finding Miss Marjorie,” but life got in the way. While I am still finding me and have found a lot of me, there is still a long journey ahead of me, this journey has become so much more than just mine. I am a firm believer that God places people in our lives when we need them the most and he places us in others for the same reason. When you continue on your journey, you leave a little of yourself behind and take a little of them with you. The basis for this blog is to allow me to get my story, my inspired story, out in a journal format. I am a writer by nature. I started writing poetry when I was in high school and was very protective of my poetry. I only shared it when it was an assignment in school. I still have my notebooks! As I get to places in my journey, I will share some of this…don’t judge, it was the 80s and I was honing my craft. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and has allowed me to put down my raw and often impulsive thoughts. That has become a way to take things out of the tornadic spin of my brain.

Second, a podcast? This is a completely new adventure for me on this journey. I have wanted to start a podcast for a few years and have even co-developed lesson plans and implemented these in the high school English setting. It was an amazing and enlightening experience working with high school students that were just as excited about taking their education into an area that they were way more proficient at than me. The students taught the teacher.

Purpose? In August of 1980, I was diagnosed with pediatric cancer, Stage 2 Hodgkin Lymphoma. I lived in a rural Missouri town approximately 70 miles West of St. Louis and the noted hospitals for treatment were Children’s Hospital and Barnes Hospital. August 2023 will mark my 43rd year since that pivotal moment in my life. Did I know that it would be a marker for the things to come? Absolutely not. I was 12 and six weeks out from my 13th birthday. Did I understand what was to come? Absolutely not. What I know now is that my treatments were experimental to some degree and that when I was born in 1967 there was only a 5% survival rate. When I was diagnosed, there was a 67% survival rate and by the time I had my youngest son, the survival rate was at 90%. Survival was considered 5 years from the diagnosis, treatment, and going into remission. Based on that statistic, there was the real possibility that I may not have made it to my high school graduation and the rest of this inspired journey.

For the past 30 + years I have been a participant in the St. Judes Long Term Follow-Up Study for Pediatric Cancer Patients. The importance of this study is massive. It not only looks to improve the diagnosis and treatment of childhood cancers but to improve the quality of life for those of us that are survivors. In today’s world, we are more aware of the effects of trauma (please note that we still have a great deal of work to do in this area), yet that was not the case in 1980. I was one of 14,361 original participants who were diagnosed between 1970 and 1986 and 1 of 2,996 with a Hodgkin Lymphoma diagnosis. Looking at the demographics, I am currently 1 of approximately 2,521 in my age group of 50-59 still participating in the study. Today, I struggle with depression, attention/focus, and chemo-brain, among other things. I decided to go back into blogging and then add a podcast when I was doing research on the internet to find anything that could help me understand so many things about myself… psychologically, physiologically, and emotionally. What I found was a great deal of information for individuals that are currently dealing with a pediatric cancer diagnosis, whether they are the child or the parent. Please, don’t get me wrong, all of this is extremely important, and had I lived in the age of technology and the internet, I am sure that my parents and sister would have benefitted amazingly from it as would I. But, what about me? A Gen-Xer at almost 56, struggling with focus, memory, and health issues that all were major factors in the choice to retire from being a public high school special education teacher after 30 years of service…What about us? I understand all the information from St. Judes is overwhelmingly helpful, but that is most often clinical in nature. I want to know how others are dealing with the same issues…what is to come?

I have been told by a number of people how inspiring I am, but to tell you the truth, I struggle to see how. What I do understand is that what inspires any one of us is unique to the individual. For me, what inspires me is often the obstacles that someone has to overcome. It is the courage to show up and be seen (YES! I love Brene Brown). Everyone’s story is uniquely their own and theirs alone to share. Going to put this out there, I am an over-sharer. I want to think that sharing my story, helps me to flesh it out but in others reading it find comfort, awakening, and yes, possibly inspiration to them on their journey.

It is said that if you put something in writing, share it, it makes you accountable. So, at this time, my goal is to present a new entry to this inspired journey at least twice a month starting with this writing. In September, of course, Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month, I will at least produce 2 podcast episodes a month. The goal is for the blog to serve as a precursor and possibly a follow-up to podcast episodes.

My hope for this is that someone out there will smile, feel included, feel a spark that motivates positive change, that something being felt or experienced is validated, and that there is some insight into their personal journey. Until next time, what inspires you?